I have no idea.
I’ve gotten that question before — I’ve asked that question many times . “If God is such a loving God, why does he let [insert awful thing] happen to good people?”
I have no answer for that and I never will. God, the Creator of all things, doesn’t need to explain everything to us.
How many times as a kid have you asked why you had to do something and they said “Because I said so.” We didn’t understand why we had to then, but accepted it.
As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts. ~ Isaiah 55:9
One of the counselors I had in a hospital told us in a group session that understanding isn’t a requirement for acceptance. I don’t understand why God does the things He does or lets horrible things happen. They just do. Nature is nature. All I have to do is accept that there is evil in the world. It’s there because we have free will.
No matter what happens, I still have to accept that God has a plan. He cares for me. I should keep my focus on Him. Always.
Sometimes it’s hard to remember that. There are days where I wonder why He let that happen to me. Did I do something? Was it my fault? But I can’t change it. I’m not in control.
Today, just take a deep breath, close my eyes, and know that I’m here for a reason. Maybe one day I’ll even figure out why.
Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.” ~ John 13:7
I’m headed out for a trip to spend some time with my sister and brother-in-law. I love them, I really do. But family time makes me uncomfortable. Since what happened to me happened, I’ve learned to shut off most of my emotions. Around family, though, you’re supposed to show all the excitement and love and all that. I’m not a big fan of hugging either, but they are. I don’t want to hurt their feelings so I suck it up.
Still, while I love to hang out with them, I get tired out very quickly because the entire time I’m putting on a face and acting. They don’t know what I’ve been through. Not really. I don’t really want them to either. That’s something that you’ll never be able to get out of your head. I don’t want more people to live with it than have to.
It makes things difficult because we have two very different views of the world. Hers is a safe, untouched on the happier scale. That’s a good thing. Sometimes, I’ll admit, I am jealous but I try not to let it show. I love my sister, but we’ve never been close — too different.
It’s nice being around them, I like spending the holidays with them, but this isn’t a holiday. Our dogs love each other though. Those two dogs are opposites. Mine’s older, much smaller (10 lbs), and all black (with a gray little beard). Hers is tall, weighs twice as much and is mostly white with a few brindle spots (and lots of freckles under her fur). A whippet and a dachshund mix. One a pure bred from a registered breeder, the other a mixed rescued dog. But they’re hilarious to watch. Cammie is short and trots along, her tags tinkling with each step. Then there’s Penny, the skinny dog with a curly tail. She silently follows Cammie. When Cammie doesn’t have anything to do, she naps. When Penny doesn’t, she paces. She’ll just walk silent circles around the coffee table in the living room. She’s like a shark. She’s such a sweet dog and really pretty.
The dogs love to be with each other. When we’re all together, Penny doesn’t care about anything but Cammie. So that’s what I’m really looking forward to — letting to dogs play together.
tl;dr I’m driving 4.5 hrs to stay a couple of weeks so Cammie has an epic doggy play day, even though the people make me uncomfortable.
The other day I went to a local bookstore because an author was coming to read and sign his books. It was a spur of the moment decision, impulsive to get a ticket. The event was the following night. I was so nervous. Ten seconds after pushing the confirm button, my heart started pounding.
The next morning, I wasn’t sure if I was going to go at all. I took Cammie and we walked around the whole area — planning where to park, the walking route I’d take, etc (thank you PTSD). With the help of Ativan and going with a friend, I made it.
I listened to him read a passage. I listened to him tell the story behind the story. Even though I was continually scanning the room around me and keeping an eye on everyone around me, I found myself caught up in his story.
So I’m excited to read his book. He managed to keep my attention mostly in person so the book has to be good, right? I went out, at night and stayed for the full event. I got my book signed and even had a conversation with the author! It wasn’t hard, my tongue didn’t get stuck in the back of my throat.
It was such a relief! Progress. A step in the right direction. Things are starting to look up, I think. I don’t want to jinx it.
Social interaction is hard and exhausting, but I managed it. I’m proud of myself for it. On the way home, I rewarded myself with a cup of chocolate custard at a little drive thru place I happened upon on the way home. It was good too!
The best part of the night, though was coming home to Cammie. There is nothing like the unconditional love of a dog!
It was a while ago, but still.
The solar eclipse was one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. Yeah, I was stuck in a very small town out in the middle of nowhere called Turtletown in a rented house they called “Bearadise” where there were bears everywhere.
In a very, very small bathroom there were a grand total of 27 bear pictures, statues, figurines, light switches, trash can, etc. There was no WiFi. There was absolutely no cell service unless you drove half an hour to Ducktown. (No joke, those are the names.) The TVs didn’t have cable and the few movies there for some reason only played in black and white.
But the whole family was together, two dogs. I don’t think they’d believe me if I told them that I would totally do it again. It was so much fun to be really unplugged. Wait. One thing I could go without was the water that smelled like rotten eggs. That wasn’t so much fun, but besides that it was great!
My dad had a telescope and we went camping a lot growing up. So I’ve always had an interest in the stars. I saw the most amazing shooting star with him a few years back. We saw it coming until it was huge, lighting up the whole sky, colored tail and everything. The solar eclipse is right up there on my list of amazing things. I’d love to live somewhere with a big sky and watch the stars at night on a porch…
I kind of hate that question. The answer never changes, even if I seem to be “doing better.”
That’s part of PTSD. I relive the trauma. It’s not always as bad, sometimes it’s like I’m right back there that night. Other nights I can wake myself up from it.
But a lot of people don’t seem to understand. I can sleep seven hours a night and still wake up exhausted. It wasn’t restful. If you look at my Apple watch info, the heart rate part, you’ll see that it’s completely not normal to have 100 bpm when lying motionless in bed.
Answering that question with the truth though makes people uncomfortable. Because how do you respond to an answer like, “I didn’t sleep good, like any other night. I had nightmares if I finally slept at all. Otherwise I was awake and tossing and turning and flinching at every shadow and creak. Or my anxiety kept me up reminding me of all the stupid things I’ve done and said in my entire life. Thanks for asking. How was yours?”
Eventually it just starts to feel like I’m complaining to everyone all the time. So I’ve learned to lie. I smile and say, “Fine, thanks. You?” Part of my mental health issues has the side effect of making sure the people around me aren’t made uncomfortable by me and my truths.
PTSD is a bitch, ain’t it?
Hey y’all! Welcome and thanks for visiting.
This blog has no theme other than my life.
I have some mental health issues (including PTSD and crippling anxiety). I’ve been working through these issues and this is where I’m going to document my coping with all those issues. The things I post may seem trivial to some of you, but for me they are monumental!
This is my best little buddy, Cammie. She’ll be along for most of my journeys. Cammie is a rescue dog – 1/2 dacshund 1/2 poodle. 10 lbs of fur, snuggles, and licks.